"Just remember how much this feeling sucks:" Not exactly good advice for kids.

One day last year my then second grade daughter came home from school and said "Fifi* and Bertha* are starting the Teddy Bear Lovers Club and they said I can't be in it." (*Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent) My first response was to say "Well that's good because that's the stupidest club I've ever heard of," but I've learned the hard way that this sort of response isn't really what kids are looking for.

This declaration was just one of many I've fielded since the start of school. It goes in the same file as things like "Sally said I couldn't sit by her on the bus to the field trip because she's sitting by Susie" (The field trip was three weeks away) or "Jenny and Becky were playing together on the playground and every time I went up to them, they just ran away from me."

Now here is a confession: I don't feel like I navigated social waters well as a child (and I feel like I only somewhat do it successfully as an adult) so I don't feel very qualified to offer my child advice in these situations. Even more problematic, is what to even say in these instances. This is not bullying (which in my opinion is a very real problem in schools today, but is also a very overused term, applied to things that are not bullying at all.) These situations are really just kids choosing to play with one child over another. I'm left saying things like "In the future, remember how you felt when someone didn't include you and don't do that to someone else."

I recently read this post by blogger Leslie Blanchard. She perfectly sums up my own disjoined thoughts that this sort of behavior is not about being mean, it's more about our own children looking for acceptance:

"We would serve our children well, in my opinion, if we had a frank conversation with them about what motivates human beings to accept and reject others. It happens at every age and stage of life, race, creed and religion. It has its roots in our own fears of rejection and lack of confidence. Everyone is jockeying for their own spot on the Social Food Chain."

I really like the thought that most of our children have "social bank to spare" and that just telling kids to "Be nice!" is not enough because usually our kids are nice. They need to be explicitly told that they are expected to reach out to others and to find the value in all people.

Another blogger, Lisa McCrohan, talks in a post about raising girls who are "includers" instead of "mean girls." This is exactly what I'm going for, what I think we're all going for.

What I'm still working on is teaching my girls how to respond when they come across those "mean girl" situations.