"Not Everyone Gets a Trophy" is hard to explain to an 8-year-old

One afternoon my beautiful, smart 8-year-old girl got off the bus and said to me "There's a super fun carnival at school tonight and we can't go because we have dance.  Dance ruins everything and I lost the election and I get all the wrong answers in class."  She started sobbing.  Cue the rain (Seriously, it started pouring on us as we walked home. The only thing missing was the dramatic music and perhaps a montage of all the other dramatically sad things in her 8-year life.)

This was not the tween drama that is starting to appear in our lives.  This was pure sadness and disappointment.  She sat on my lap and cried.  I am not good at dealing with this sadness.  I tried explaining that I have wanted something many times and it didn't work out.  I tried explaining that I make mistakes every day.  I'm not sure it helped.  I've studied psych and child development, worked with kids for 15 years and I'm pretty much useless in the face of a lost third grade election.

This year seems to be filled with more disappointments than past years.  There was another election (It's a monthly thing) and we helped her plan a speech and make a poster.  It came down to a tie-breaker and she lost by one vote, but told me she congratulated the winner and shook his hand.  That time I did better.  I told her hearing that made me more proud than if she had won the election.

Yesterday the parts for the third grade musical were posted.  She did not get one.  She said to me "The kids that didn't get a part don't even get to be in the musical."  I had no answer for that.  (It's not true, by the way. I felt so bad I emailed the music teacher.)

Trust me! I am not the parent that thinks everyone should get a trophy.  I do not believe that my little snowflake is any more special than yours.  I've seen first hand the results of too much praise for too little work. I've also seen the results of parents that intervene too much for their children.  I don't want to raise one of those children.

What I would like is a script.  I think it is something like "Sometimes you get a special job and sometimes you don't.  Sometime you win and sometimes you lose.  When you are disappointed, you look for ways to work harder next time."  I just wish that was easier to explain in the face of disappointment.

We actually have no clue. And there are two of them.

Both my husband and I are only children. When you are a child, being an only is super cool. All the presents are for you and you get to make up all the rules. However, beyond the fact that this experience has made me a pretty weird adult, it becomes less and less fun every year to have no siblings. It also makes it really hard at times to parent two kids with no actual experience.

Merry Christmas!  She will get in all your stuff but you'll be a better person for it.

A few weeks ago we were out buying shoes for our oldest (for the THIRD time this season because gym shoes do not fit the same as other shoes and also because shoes can feel fine on your feet one day and then become instruments of torture the next.) Our little one started crying because she was not getting shoes, so I said she could pick out a pair of socks. Cut to the big one crying because she was not getting socks. Cut to me yelling about being thankful for what we have and children who never get new socks and shoes. You know how this ends.

Today we repeated the scene, except with a scuba mask and Mini MixieQs. I need to get a handle on this before it comes time to get one of them a car.

One of my favorite quotes.  It is lost on children.

They are three years and two months apart. They need different things, but they want the same things and are both old enough to sense sibling injustice from afar. I absolutely do not want to be buying two things when we only need one. I also really want to teach our kids that they should not be comparing what they get to anyone else. On the other hand, I'm trying really hard not to give the little one a complex because she only gets her sister's used stuff.

This is only our newest in a long list of the two-child struggles. One has a playdate and usually ends up with a third wheel. The older one has to do assigned reading and the younger one asks to play on her iPad. Do I equally balance after school activities, or is it ok for one kid to do three things while the other only does one?

A great response to children's concept of "fairness."  Also lost on them.

It shouldn't be about "fairness," but it often is. I see that it's hard to like your sister when you feel like she's always getting the better deal, more attention, less expectations, more freedom, etc. I look at my girls and I envy the built-in friend. I want to parent to support and grow that relationship. A very wise friend once told me, "Don't worry, when they're teenagers they'll bond over hating you." I guess there's always that to look forward to.

Don't worry, we got them both ice cream.

Fifty Shades of Crap

You knew it was coming at some point.  I promise this will be the only blog that is political in nature and I promise that it very much applies to parenting.  And there are no pictures because I'm mad.

If you know me, you know that I am no fan of Donald Trump (and, quite honestly, not that excited about Hillary either) but this past week solidified what I have been feeling for months: Donald Trump in NO WAY deserves to be president.  A person elected to the highest office in our country should be respectful.  They should have a sense of service.  They should see value in ALL people and treat them accordingly.  I have many, many other issues with Trump, but this is where it begins for me. Reduced to it's simplest form, I don't want my kids to see a deplorable human being elected president.

However, this past week has brought me to an even more important realization. I saw the memes and tweets asking "If women are so outraged by Trump's dirty talk, then who bought the 80 million copies of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?" I have seen clips of reporters speculating that it was just the actual words used that had women upset.  I heard Trump himself say that his words did not define him, as if they were somehow separate from the disgusting actions they described. That is all crap.

Most women are not offended by language.  Most women don't care that much about "locker room talk," when it is actually talk and not a description of sexual assault.  But all of this comes down to CONSENT.  Please, people!  Even Christian Grey, in arguably the worst book ever written, knew about consent.  That's why we spent 6 chapters agonizing over the weirdest contract on the planet. Don't pretend you didn't read the book!

After a summer of Brock Turner, the long over-due spotlight on rape culture and Donald Trump, I've realized that this may be the number one thing to teach our daughters.  CONSENT.

I've also realized that my own daughters have had very little experience with the idea of consent. They were born in a wealthy, safe, developed country. They are sheltered.  Their father is a model for how to treat women and people in general.  Furthermore, I am a control freak and don't always give them the option to consent to eating food, let alone bigger issues. But trust me, I'm going to start.  I have thought a lot about modeling and addressing consent with children over the last few days.

To my daughters:
1.  I will never force you to kiss anyone, even Grandma, when you say you don't want to.
2.  When I am tickling you and you say "STOP,"  I will stop.
3.  I will fight for you for as long as it takes you to fight for yourself.
4.  As hard as it is being a control-freak mom, I will respect your voice and your choices.
5.  I will never, NEVER tell you that a boy is teasing you because he likes you.  I will help you make him stop.
6.  I will teach you to accept nothing less than kindness and respect.
7.  I will teach you that you always have a choice, that nothing should ever be done TO you and that there are plenty of instances in life when you don't have to be polite.
8.  I will try never to tell you who to vote for, but I will always tell you that we have STANDARDS and we expect people to live up to them.

Especially our President.

That stuff is out there...We might as well talk about it.

When I was twelve I got a copy of Flowers in the Attic for Christmas.  My family has some strange bargain hunting tendencies that often produce holiday gifts.  My aunts bought me books a lot. In the fourth grade I did a book report on a true life story of a granny that killed people and buried them in her flower beds.  It was called Human Harvest.  To repeat:  I got up in front of my fourth grade class and reviewed a book called Human Harvest.   I'm not normal, I just hide it well sometimes.

My intro to the world of delicious, yet terribly-written fiction.

Back to Flowers in the Attic.  That is a smutty, smutty book by twelve-year-old standards, and do you know what my mom did?  She let me read it.  In fact, I never remember a time when my mom said "Don't read that" or "You can't watch that."  I do remember being four and having her finish Cinderella and ask me "Do you think that was smart?  She didn't even know that prince and she married him!"  I also remember reading or seeing many things and then asking my mom about them without thinking twice.

In my opinion this was one of the best parenting choices my mom made.  She let me watch and read whatever I wanted.  We talked about it.  I was free to ask any questions I wanted and I did that often.

I was not introspective enough as a tween or teenager to realize it, but having a mom who was willing to discuss anything and chose not to shield me was empowering.  In many instances when someone suggested some ridiculous piece of advice or activity, I already had the knowledge I needed to make a good decision.  When I wasn't sure, I was comfortable asking my mom.  I read about things that most early middle schoolers did not (Thanks, V.C. Andrews and Cosmo magazine!) and therefore wasn't that shocked or intrigued when it came up in whispered conversation.

In middle school when a girl said "You can use a ziploc bag as a condom."  I said "You most certainly cannot.  You should probably talk to my mom ASAP." (Just to be clear, my mom taught pregnant teens at our high school, so she was a logical choice for the whole "no ziploc bags" discussion.)

Great for food storage.  Not great for prophylactic purposes.

I'm not saying that these days I'm letting our girls watch Scarface.  I'm just saying that at this stage when we are watching a movie or t.v. and something questionable comes up, I ask them how they feel about it.  I tell them how I feel about it.  When they have a question, I answer it simply and truthfully. I try to read them books about their bodies and talk to them about good and bad choices, but they are not overly interested, probably because it seems like no big deal.

If you are a parent (even of young children) and have not recently been in the halls of a high school, I suggest you go.  It is eye opening.  Within five minutes you'll learn bad words you didn't know existed.  You'll also learn a lot stuff you didn't really want to know.  If it's not already happening, and I'm almost positive it already IS, my kids will soon be picking up stuff at school that is not even on my radar.  I cannot shield them from it. I'm not going to make it disappear by not addressing it.  I want my girls to trust me.  I want them to know that it's always ok to ask.

I don't want to leave you with the impression that high school kids are depraved little monsters.  The ones I taught were lovely, I just don't want them to be the main source of info for my own kids.

Dump chicken is not an appetizing name for dinner.

In the absence of a personal chef, I have come to love my slow cooker.  I feel almost pampered coming home to hot, ready-to-eat food.  When I was working, we averaged about 2 slow cooker meals a week (Plus one night of leftovers!)  This school year I have realized that it is only slightly easier to make dinner as a stay at home parent.  With after-school activities at least three days a week, we are still arriving home around 5 each night and then, you know, I'm pretty tired from all the bon-bon eating to start cooking at that point.

Is crock pot food going to win me any culinary awards?  No.  Is it healthier, cheaper and more appetizing than take out three nights a week?  Yes.

Most important for me when I was working were meals that didn't have a lot of morning prep.  My favorites were make-ahead freezer meals that thaw and go right into the slow cooker.  Some people call these "dump" meals, as in "dump chicken" or "dump stew."  Let's just be brutally honest here: In my brain dump = poop.  I'm not referring to something we are going to eat as "dump," but I still like the concept.  I would usually make 5 meals worth of a recipe and, if I was diligent about it, have a freezer stocked full of ready-to-go meals.

These men are attending a slow cooker festival.  I just made that up.

Just in case you are looking for some new freezer and/or crock pot meals, here are some of our favorites.  One of my blog-reading pet peeves is when I have to scroll through 8 paragraphs of someone's musings on garlic bulbs and their cat, Lester, in order to find the recipe. I also get annoyed when people feel the need to show photos of the entire process.  To avoid annoying others like me, I've just given you the recipes. There are a few links to original pins in case you like reading about cats and garlic.

Reason #768 why we don't have a cat.

Pineapple chicken enchiladas
This recipe requires some extra work once you're home, but makes up for it since you can make a bunch ahead.  I line up 5 ziploc bags in an assembly line.  Then they go into the freezer, thaw the night before and hop right into the slow cooker.  You can also use leftovers for some delicious nachos.  The recipe serves 4-6.  Multiply as needed.

-2 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-1/2 can (20 oz) crushed pineapple, drained
-1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
-1 cup salsa

-1 pkg tortillas
-1 can (10 oz) GREEN enchilada sauce
-1 cup shredded cheddar, monterey jack or mexican blend cheese
-1 cup cooked rice (good if you have it on hand, find to leave out too!)

1.  Place chicken, pineapple, beans and salsa into freezer bag.  Freeze until ready to use, then thaw overnight.  (I've read that you should never put frozen food into your slow cooker.)  Cook on low for 6-8 hours.  If you are a working parent get yourself a slow cooker with a "keep warm" function.  I left the house by 6:30 am, we would eat around 6 pm and none of us ever suffered any food-borne illness.
2.  Remove food from slow cooker with slotted spoon and shred chicken.
3.  Mix in cooked rice.
4.  Fill tortillas and roll.  Spray 9x13 pan with cooking spray and place burritos in pan.  Top with enchilada sauce and cheese.
5.  Bake at 350 degrees for 15-20 minutes.

This recipe comes from a great site, Mommy's Fabulous Finds http://www.mommysfabulousfinds.com/2013/10/easy-crock-pot-freezer-meals-2.html



Cranberry Dijon Pork Tenderloin
This is another great assembly line freezer meal.  It is NOT a slow cooker recipe, but I have served it for holiday dinners because it is that good!

-2 pork tenderloins (they usually comes in pkgs of 2)
-1 can whole cranberry sauce (The one with berries in it, not the disgusting, smooth gelatinous variety)
-2 T dijon mustard
-1 pkg onion soup mix

1.  Combine all ingredients into a freezer bag.  Close the bag and mush the sauce together (The fun part!)
2.  Freeze, then thaw completely before cooking.
3.  Bake at 400 degrees for 40-50 minutes.  Slice and serve.


Orange Scented Pork and Veggie Stew
Yet another great assembly line, slow cooker freezer meal.

-Pork shoulder or butt (I don't even look at the poundage, whatever looks like it would fit in the slow cooker), cubed
-2 cups baby carrots, whole or 4 regular carrots, diced
-1 small white onion, diced
-1 can (28 oz) stewed tomatoes or Italian plum tomatoes
-2 c chicken stock
-1/2 c orange juice (If you're feeling extra gourmet, add 1 T orange zest as well)
-1 c white wine (Fine to skip, just substitute extra OJ)
-1 T dark brown sugar (Regular brown sugar works fine too)
-2 cloves of garlic, minced
-salt and pepper to taste

1.  Combine ingredients in freezer bag, thaw completely before cooking.
2.  Add all ingredients to slow cooker.  Cook on low 6-8 hours or high 3-4.
3.  Serve over egg noodles.

Slow Cooker Butternut Squash Soup
I haven't tried to "freezer meal" this one yet, but I don't see why you couldn't.  It can easily be vegetarian and gluten free too.

-1 butternut squash, peeled, de-seeded and cubed
-1 white onion, diced
-1 carrot, peeled and diced
-2 cups vegetable or chicken stock
-2 cloves garlic, mined
-1 spring fresh sage (Seriously, who has fresh sage?!?!  Use dried sage or rosemary if you've got it)
-1/2 t salt
-1/8 t cayenne (or more to taste)
-pinch of ground cinnamon and nutmeg

-1/2 c canned coconut milk (1/2 c of half and half is better, but you do you)

1.  Place all ingredients EXCEPT coconut milk into slow cooker.  Cook on low 6-8 hours or high 3-4.
2.  After cooking, add coconut milk (or half and half) and puree using an immersion blender.  You could certainly dump everything into a real blender, but that seems messy and immersion blenders are super fun!

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/284008320229110635/


Peach Ginger Chicken
This is my newest find.  I wasn't feeling the chicken thighs in the original recipe, so I substituted 2 boneless, skinless breasts.  We ate this over brown rice with a side of SteamFresh Asian veggies. There are two other bags chillin' in the freezer.  It would also be good as shredded chicken sandwiches.

-2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-1 c peach jam (See original recipe for a homemade, slow cooker jam recipe if you're into that.  I bought some Smucker's)
-1 T low sodium soy sauce
-1 T grated fresh ginger (Best Rachel Ray tip I ever learned:  Keep ginger root in a baggie in your freezer for a crazy long time.  Grate it frozen into recipes whenever you need it)
-3 cloves garlic, peeled and minced

1.  Add chicken to freezer bag.

2.  In a medium bowl, combine jam, soy sauce, grated ginger and minced garlic.

3.  Add sauce to freezer bag.

4.  Thaw and add to slow cooker.  Add 1/4 c water to slow cooker.  Cook on low for 3-6 hours until chicken shreds easily.

5.  Return shredded chicken to slow cooker to combine with sauce.

http://newleafwellness.biz/2014/04/09/slow-cooker-ginger-peach-chicken/


I hope these save you time and money!  I'm always looking for delicious new recipes so please feel free to share your favorites with me.

Everything bad is good for you.

When I was little, I spent hours playing with my doll house and pretending to be Laura Ingles Wilder in the backyard.  Our five year old spends hours watching strange adults play with toys and open Surprise Eggs on YouTube.  In elementary school I could disappear with a book for four hours.  Our eight year old would spend four hours a day playing Minecraft if we let her.

Why is this adult playing My Little Pony?!?

I don't mind that our kids get some screen time.  Who am I trying to kid?  A LOT of screen time. I want them to have a working knowledge of technology and pop culture.  Plus, the time to myself is GLORIOUS! However, I have never once seen one of my kids set down the iPad or walk away from the t.v. voluntarily.  I sometimes worry that technology is sucking all of the creativity out of them and re-wiring their little brains.  I am also annoyed that their go-to topics of conversation are John Cena and cat videos.

Please stop with the cat videos.

I had often said that one day I would do an experiment where I let the girls play with their iPads with absolutely no time limit. That day arrived in August, as the movers pulled up to our new Arkansas house in a gigantic truck.  My husband had to be at work, so to keep the girls out from under foot I said "Play with electronics for as long as you want."  They thought their mom had surely been replaced by an alien.  Can you guess what happened?  They played with their iPads ALL DAY LONG.  They set the little brain-sucking devices down for food and bathroom trips (I hope!) and that was it. When the batteries died, they sat on the floor next to a plug.  The movers commented on what well behaved children I had.  I refrained from replying "They're not actually this well behaved, they're just zombies."

Someone mentioned a book to me once called "Everything Bad Is Good For You."  I haven't actually read the book, but it's an interesting thought to ponder.  I ponder it often.  It makes me feel better about myself.  They cited the example that someone can sit for hours and read a book and no one blinks an eye, but sit for that long with your tablet and that is bad, bad, bad.  But really, is one worse than the other?  In each case you are staring at something and avoiding contact with others.

This is probably the book.  I may have to read it. 

 (While looking for the book online, I also came across this interview from the 4th love of my life, NPR)

On the other hand, I just read an article that talked about how hours spent watching YouTube videos activates the fight or flight response in a child's brain and is making children fat or distracted, I forget which.  Is that actually a thing?  I'm sure when I was young there was an article about how video games were doing just that to me.  Twenty years before that it was probably Saturday morning cartoons.

Could it be that all this technology is just a different avenue for kids to interact and a new platform for creativity?  The eight year old will link worlds in Minecraft with a friend who has come over, play, talk and laugh for as long as I let them.  Is that really so different from playing a board game?  She also recently spent an hour writing out plans for a Minecraft theme park.  That is development of literacy skills, people!  The girls are constantly asking to film themselves doing "challenges" or making their own Surprise Egg videos.  And since I refuse to buy the ridiculous Surprise Eggs, they make their own by wrapping little crap up in paper.  So, see?  They are thinking creatively and using problem solving skills.

Surprise!  It's a plastic egg with tiny plastic crap inside.
I refuse.

I'll just keep telling myself that they are developing twenty-first century skills instead of numbing their brains.  Now, if I can just get them to start coding, they can support us in our old age.

I wonder what else I can stick to the wall...?

As most of you know, we are big Harry Potter fans in this house.  I decided to frame some quotes for HPfan#1's room.  Thanks to the Internet and some frames I already had, she got some no-cost room decor.  Harry Potter gives good advice, too.

"It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities"
 (Albus Dumbledore) 

As we approach the end of elementary school, I think we will talk more and more about good choices.

"We've all got both light and dark inside us.  What matters is the part we choose to act on.  That's who we really are." (Sirius Black)

Amen, brother!

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies but just as much to stand up to our friends."
(Albus Dumbledore)

That Dumbledore is full of deep stuff for elementary school and the future!

The end result is pretty cute if I do say so myself.

(Side note: It could just be me, but hanging pictures in this formation is REALLY hard.  Too much math and I never get it right the first time, resulting in lots of extra nail holes. However, this time after one nail-hole mishap I remembered these little Command hanging strips we had lying around and will probably never hang a picture with a nail again.  Just sharing because I was excited about the successful, no-swearing-involved picture hanging experience.)




While making these signs I was thinking about what other signs I'd like to post for our girls.  Here are some I may create in the future:

Pursue a passion, not a job.

Don't be an a**hole.  But don't be a doormat, either.

Get someone else to hold the picture, step back and assess before you hammer in the nail. (This works on a literal and metaphorical level! Also, I did not follow my own advice on this project, resulting in one excess nail hole.)

Never let your desire to be polite override your gut feeling.

Travel as much as you can before you have kids.

Boys have COOTIES.

Learn to say "No." gracefully.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Kindness and a sense of humor help almost every situation.


What life advice can you offer for my list?