Lies and surprises...

The first time it happened, my oldest was probably 2 and a half.  She toddled over, looked up, batted those big, long eyelashes and said "Mommy...candy?"  I replied "Oh, my...I don't know where your Reese cups went."  But I knew exactly where they went. In my belly.  Kids get a lot of candy for halloween. She didn't need all those Reese cups.  I did.  I deserved those Reese cups.  That was the first time I lied to my child.  It was not the last time.

I ate them, ok?!?  I ate ALL your Reese cups!
Stop looking at me like that.

I once bought a 5 pound bag of gummy worms.  Don't judge me! When you need gummy worms and the store only has a 5 pound bag, you buy the 5 pound bag.  My mom hates all things gummy, and I knew she'd flip out over a 5 pound bag.  Since I know you're not supposed to tell children to keep secrets, I said "Let's not tell Grandma about the giant bag of gummy worms.  Let's keep it a surprise...A surprise that we will NEVER tell her."  See what I did there?  I helped my children learn that adults should never ask them to keep secrets and I avoided admitting that I might have a gummy worm problem.

My husband and I actually made it 8 years before we came right out and told a kid it was ok to lie.  Actually we made it 7 years, 51 weeks and 2 days.  We had just come back from spring break where our daughter had been kicked off a water slide for being 1/8 of an inch too short.  She and my husband were heading off to Indian Princess camp where anyone 8 or older got to go on a trail ride- on a real, live horse!!  Our daughter was 5 days away from turning 8.  We told her to lie.  My husband helped her practice so she wouldn't crack under pressure.

I said to my daughter "When no one gets hurt, sometimes it's ok to say something that is not true" and as the words left my mouth, I realized I was probably going to regret that moment.  In second grade it's a horse.  What is it in third grade?  What is it in MIDDLE SCHOOL?!?  I experienced a sort of metacognitive time-travel moment and saw myself looking back from 10 years in the future saying "This is the exact moment where I created the monster."  But I wanted her to ride the stupid horse!

We want our children to confidently navigate the social circles of school and adult life.  I think often about how to teach them about honesty and integrity in a complicated world.  How do you explain when they are 8 and 5 that honesty is not always the best policy?  While I can give you many funny examples, I can also think of situations where I lied for my own safety.  I have lied to avoid hurting someone's feelings and to protect my family emotionally.  How do I help my daughters find a healthy balance when we are no longer talking about just a horse-back ride?  Can you tell kids that the world is not always black and white?   Can you put boundaries on lying?  Most importantly, how can I make sure they understand that it is never, NEVER ok to lie to me?

She rode the horse.  I tell myself that any damage done by

telling her it was ok to lie was counteracted by a weekend of bonding with her Dad.

The "No Yelling Challenge" can lick my big, hairy...

mouth.  My big, hairy, YELLING mouth.

My mouth is not actually hairy.  I just wanted your attention.

For the past year I have been seeing the "30 Day No Yelling Challenge" online.  The "30 Day Plank Challenge" was bad enough.  I can barely plank for 30 seconds.  I digress.

The "No Yelling Challenge" makes me very angry.  The job of parents is to help their children to become functioning adults.  Do you know what makes it hard to be a functioning adult?  A lack of understanding of consequences.   Like I've said before, I'm no expert, but I did just finish my 14th year of teaching high school.  Do you know what's really obnoxious?  A 16-year-old that doesn't understand consequences.  I should not need to explain to a student that if you do not study, you will probably not do well.  I should not need to tell a crying kid (or an angry parent) that that if you copy your friend's essay, you will not receive points.  I have encountered many students who are genuinely confused by the fact that sometimes there are no second chances.

I always have my hair professionally styled before yelling at children.

Life is full of choices and consequences.  When you are thirty and you send a photo of your boobs to a co-worker, you get fired.  When you are in college and you plagiarize a paper, you fail the class.  When you are in high school and you vandalize mailboxes, you go to jail.  When you are in middle school and your friends bring beer to your Halloween party, you get majorly grounded.  When you are five and you are whining about having to fold THREE FREAKING TOWELS, you hear some yelling.  (These are all fictitious examples, I assure you.)


Consequences get more serious as children get older.  I would prefer that mine master the concept at five rather than thirty.

Have you ever seen such happy, well-adjusted looking towel folders?!?

There is MAGIC in these books.

Just finished book 4!

Who doesn’t love Harry Potter? Well, maybe people with religious objections or a fear of brooms, but almost everyone I know grew up on these books. I’ve heard moms talk about how Harry helped their struggling readers. Students' eyes light up when I mention Harry in class. 3,000 years ago I took a group abroad just as the fifth book was released. Twelve students and one teacher dragged the hardback edition all over Europe. Harry Potter taught us all lessons about love, friendship and being yourself, no matter what.

I can’t put my finger on the magic power of this story. My daughter and I have read other books, and while they are interesting, they do not have the same pull. Is it that the content feels “grown-up” and slightly forbidden to young readers? Is it the universe that is almost like ours, but with a secret twist? Is it the themes of undying love and friendship that get you every time?

Whatever it is, it has turned my daughter into a passionate reader. Moreover, reading these books to her is by far my favorite parenting moment. I am not a natural born parent. Patient and calm is not my default state and even after 8 years I am not used to little people all up in my business. I cannot even pretend to be interested in cat videos or sit and play for even 20 minutes. But reading Harry Potter has created a magical connection with my daughter. No matter how many times I have totally lost it (and it’s summer, so that’s about 10 times a day!) when we snuggle up to read at night I am the best mom ever.

About to watch Prisoner of Azkaban

When we finish a book, we put the little one to bed and sneak down to the basement to watch the movie. Maybe that is the magic….My daughter knows this is something special we share together. She knows that the subject matter is grown-up and she knows that I love sharing it with her. Add to Harry’s list of accomplishments the fact that he has made me a better parent.

In the words of Dumbledore- It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.