Lies and surprises...

The first time it happened, my oldest was probably 2 and a half.  She toddled over, looked up, batted those big, long eyelashes and said "Mommy...candy?"  I replied "Oh, my...I don't know where your Reese cups went."  But I knew exactly where they went. In my belly.  Kids get a lot of candy for halloween. She didn't need all those Reese cups.  I did.  I deserved those Reese cups.  That was the first time I lied to my child.  It was not the last time.

I ate them, ok?!?  I ate ALL your Reese cups!
Stop looking at me like that.

I once bought a 5 pound bag of gummy worms.  Don't judge me! When you need gummy worms and the store only has a 5 pound bag, you buy the 5 pound bag.  My mom hates all things gummy, and I knew she'd flip out over a 5 pound bag.  Since I know you're not supposed to tell children to keep secrets, I said "Let's not tell Grandma about the giant bag of gummy worms.  Let's keep it a surprise...A surprise that we will NEVER tell her."  See what I did there?  I helped my children learn that adults should never ask them to keep secrets and I avoided admitting that I might have a gummy worm problem.

My husband and I actually made it 8 years before we came right out and told a kid it was ok to lie.  Actually we made it 7 years, 51 weeks and 2 days.  We had just come back from spring break where our daughter had been kicked off a water slide for being 1/8 of an inch too short.  She and my husband were heading off to Indian Princess camp where anyone 8 or older got to go on a trail ride- on a real, live horse!!  Our daughter was 5 days away from turning 8.  We told her to lie.  My husband helped her practice so she wouldn't crack under pressure.

I said to my daughter "When no one gets hurt, sometimes it's ok to say something that is not true" and as the words left my mouth, I realized I was probably going to regret that moment.  In second grade it's a horse.  What is it in third grade?  What is it in MIDDLE SCHOOL?!?  I experienced a sort of metacognitive time-travel moment and saw myself looking back from 10 years in the future saying "This is the exact moment where I created the monster."  But I wanted her to ride the stupid horse!

We want our children to confidently navigate the social circles of school and adult life.  I think often about how to teach them about honesty and integrity in a complicated world.  How do you explain when they are 8 and 5 that honesty is not always the best policy?  While I can give you many funny examples, I can also think of situations where I lied for my own safety.  I have lied to avoid hurting someone's feelings and to protect my family emotionally.  How do I help my daughters find a healthy balance when we are no longer talking about just a horse-back ride?  Can you tell kids that the world is not always black and white?   Can you put boundaries on lying?  Most importantly, how can I make sure they understand that it is never, NEVER ok to lie to me?

She rode the horse.  I tell myself that any damage done by

telling her it was ok to lie was counteracted by a weekend of bonding with her Dad.