A New Year's Resolution to Not Raise or Be Bullies

If you've been anywhere near a school recently, you know that the Anti-Bullying message is in full force. It started about ten years ago and by the time I left the high school last year, thanks to the hard work of some very dedicated teachers, I had seen a noticeable improvement in the school culture.

The anti-bullying message has also become white noise.  Students do treat one another better, but they hear about bullying A LOT from kindergarten on. The initial power of the message has worn off and we still have a long way to go.

The fact that our country just elected a man who mocks, belittles or objectifies anyone who is different than him points to a lacking on ALL our parts. We saw a man who made clear his opinion that straight, white, rich men are worth more than other humans, and we elected him president. I am still overwhelmingly sad that a little less than half of America decided the anti-bullying message we pound into our children did not apply for the leader of our country.

Inspired by the upcoming inauguration (on my birthday, no less.  Happy, happy birthday to me) I suggest a new campaign. It's still a working title. I can't decide between "Be Kind. Always." or "Don't Be an A-hole."

Regardless of the title, this campaign starts with us, the parents. Our children know not to be bullies. They might not be sure what that means completely, but they know it's a no-no. Our children have the anti-bullying thing down, but do they really know how to be kind? Do they know that God's love extends to all people and that it is our job to carry that love into the world? Do we all remember that carrying God's love into the world requires ACTION? Anti-bullying implies not doing something and we are all good at that. What our world needs right now is ACTIVE kindness and love.

The other day, my third-grader told me about a scene at her lunch table where some boys were laughing at another boy. He got so frustrated that he threw his sandwich across the table. My daughter told me how she moved away from him. I cringe because I can see this scene play out. The sadness and anger of the boy, the other boys jeering and the girls moving away from the outcast. I know what all those kids become in high school and now I see the beginnings in the elementary school cafeteria.

I told my child that it is her job to speak up for the boy. At the very least she can tell the other kids to stop. She can move closer instead of backing away. Will she follow my advice next time? No.
I'm not dumb, I know how kids are. But I will keep repeating this advice every chance I get. I will look for ways to model kindness toward others.

As we reach the end of 2016 I am hearing a lot of positive messages about love and kindness. They certainly hit an emotional chord with me.  Love is the most powerful force for change in the world. Be the change you want to see in the world. #LoveTrumpsHate. Love and kindness are easy words to throw around and repeat to children. But what do they really look like in our lives? We as parents, indeed as just people, have the duty to figure that out, and quickly. Love and kindness are too essential at this juncture to slip into the cloud of white noise.

In my opinion, love and kindness mean that we don't just treat people the way we wish to be treated. We have an obligation to DEMAND FOR ALL OTHERS the same treatment we expect for ourselves. We should be the voice for those who are mocked, belittled, objectified, down-trodden or suffering. We should look for opportunities in our own daily lives to change what is broken and we should speak the truth to those in power as loudly and as often as necessary.

My wish for myself, my children and for you as we begin a new year is that we find ways each day to put love and kindness into ACTION.

The Drama Curse

A few weeks ago we experienced what I can only assume is a preview of the tween drama that will hit us full force very soon.  Our darling girl was making a get well card for Grandpa.  At the very end, she wrote "Can't wait to see you on the Disney curse."

I laughed and said "That's so cute.  Just cross it out and write CRUISE. Grandpa will totally get a kick out of it."  The flailing of arms and running from the room left me stunned.  It was as if our daughter had been replaced by a bad actress playing cliche teenage girl #1.  I quite literally had NO response.

My husband, on the other had, handled it like a pro.  He said something that made her laugh, convinced her that grandpa would love it and also worked in a lesson about how things don't have to be perfect.

Moral of the story:  Husband will handle all girl drama from ages 8-18.

A few days later when I told our daughter that her card had made Grandpa's day, she was all smiles.

That is the end of this post.  If we are listing things on which I am NOT an expert, dealing with tween drama is near the top.  I have no further reflections or advice.  If you've got any for me, please share!

Cardigans and Yoga Pants

I'm going there.  Prepare yourself.  No, not the yoga pants.  The working vs. stay-at-home-mom debate.

I have now officially lived for 2.5 months as a stay at home mom.  Making me TOTALLY not an expert, but has that ever stopped me from weighing in before?  Nope.

For 13+ years I worked full time.  8 of those years while also parenting children along with my husband.  I assure you that it is absolutely possible to work full time and raise children well.  It involves careful scheduling, freezer meals and cramming a lot of stuff into weekends.  Also, if there are two adults actively participating in the parenting, that is a major bonus.

To be honest with you, I never understood why anyone would want to be a stay at home parent.  I'm sure some people adore being home all day with babies, but I liked working outside my home far more than that experience.  I loved the creativity, energy and interactions that my job as a teacher allowed me. Once children went to school I was extremely baffled by what someone would DO all day. It does not take 7 hours to produce food for your family.

After 2.5 months, here are my very un-expert findings: Being a stay at home mom allows me time to devote to my family.  I don't mean that I cater to their every whim, or even make their beds for them in the morning. However, I'm not trying to straighten my hair at 6:25 a.m. while yelling "Is everyone wearing shoes?!?"

I have 5 minutes to sit down with the girls after school.  I have time to reflect on things and think them through instead of running non-stop and making snap decisions because I forgot to research something or talk it over with my husband.  At night, when I would have been simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, packing lunches and brainstorming lesson ideas, I am now able to play with my kids (At least every once in a while.)  While it is not the challenge for my brain that teaching was, being a stay at home mom has brought some calm and balance to my life and therefore to my family's life as well.

I once read a hilarious list about ways to know if you're dating/married to a teacher. One read "At the end of the day, she resembles a frizzy witch in a cardigan." That was me in a nutshell- frizzy, witchy AND cardigan-y.  I can safely say that being a stay at-home mom has eliminated much of the witchy-ness at the end of the day.  I no longer yell at the kid who is taking an extra long time in the shower.  And while I haven't broken out the cardigans yet, I do find myself slightly overdressed much of the time since I don't seem to own a lot of yoga pants.

Exactly how I felt at the end of every work day.

Just in case you're wondering what I DO all day... I go to the gym instead of paying for a membership I never used.  I grocery shop so that I'm not taking up half of Saturday.  I clean and organize stuff so that we can actually find it without running around screaming at the last minute.  I go to programs at the girls' school.  I've been to 4 of these in the past months, compared to 2 the entire 8 years I was working.

What else do I do?  I look for a job.

Exciting news!  I am now a contributor for the NW Arkansas Moms Blog.  Look for a link to my first post coming soon!

"Not Everyone Gets a Trophy" is hard to explain to an 8-year-old

One afternoon my beautiful, smart 8-year-old girl got off the bus and said to me "There's a super fun carnival at school tonight and we can't go because we have dance.  Dance ruins everything and I lost the election and I get all the wrong answers in class."  She started sobbing.  Cue the rain (Seriously, it started pouring on us as we walked home. The only thing missing was the dramatic music and perhaps a montage of all the other dramatically sad things in her 8-year life.)

This was not the tween drama that is starting to appear in our lives.  This was pure sadness and disappointment.  She sat on my lap and cried.  I am not good at dealing with this sadness.  I tried explaining that I have wanted something many times and it didn't work out.  I tried explaining that I make mistakes every day.  I'm not sure it helped.  I've studied psych and child development, worked with kids for 15 years and I'm pretty much useless in the face of a lost third grade election.

This year seems to be filled with more disappointments than past years.  There was another election (It's a monthly thing) and we helped her plan a speech and make a poster.  It came down to a tie-breaker and she lost by one vote, but told me she congratulated the winner and shook his hand.  That time I did better.  I told her hearing that made me more proud than if she had won the election.

Yesterday the parts for the third grade musical were posted.  She did not get one.  She said to me "The kids that didn't get a part don't even get to be in the musical."  I had no answer for that.  (It's not true, by the way. I felt so bad I emailed the music teacher.)

Trust me! I am not the parent that thinks everyone should get a trophy.  I do not believe that my little snowflake is any more special than yours.  I've seen first hand the results of too much praise for too little work. I've also seen the results of parents that intervene too much for their children.  I don't want to raise one of those children.

What I would like is a script.  I think it is something like "Sometimes you get a special job and sometimes you don't.  Sometime you win and sometimes you lose.  When you are disappointed, you look for ways to work harder next time."  I just wish that was easier to explain in the face of disappointment.

We actually have no clue. And there are two of them.

Both my husband and I are only children. When you are a child, being an only is super cool. All the presents are for you and you get to make up all the rules. However, beyond the fact that this experience has made me a pretty weird adult, it becomes less and less fun every year to have no siblings. It also makes it really hard at times to parent two kids with no actual experience.

Merry Christmas!  She will get in all your stuff but you'll be a better person for it.

A few weeks ago we were out buying shoes for our oldest (for the THIRD time this season because gym shoes do not fit the same as other shoes and also because shoes can feel fine on your feet one day and then become instruments of torture the next.) Our little one started crying because she was not getting shoes, so I said she could pick out a pair of socks. Cut to the big one crying because she was not getting socks. Cut to me yelling about being thankful for what we have and children who never get new socks and shoes. You know how this ends.

Today we repeated the scene, except with a scuba mask and Mini MixieQs. I need to get a handle on this before it comes time to get one of them a car.

One of my favorite quotes.  It is lost on children.

They are three years and two months apart. They need different things, but they want the same things and are both old enough to sense sibling injustice from afar. I absolutely do not want to be buying two things when we only need one. I also really want to teach our kids that they should not be comparing what they get to anyone else. On the other hand, I'm trying really hard not to give the little one a complex because she only gets her sister's used stuff.

This is only our newest in a long list of the two-child struggles. One has a playdate and usually ends up with a third wheel. The older one has to do assigned reading and the younger one asks to play on her iPad. Do I equally balance after school activities, or is it ok for one kid to do three things while the other only does one?

A great response to children's concept of "fairness."  Also lost on them.

It shouldn't be about "fairness," but it often is. I see that it's hard to like your sister when you feel like she's always getting the better deal, more attention, less expectations, more freedom, etc. I look at my girls and I envy the built-in friend. I want to parent to support and grow that relationship. A very wise friend once told me, "Don't worry, when they're teenagers they'll bond over hating you." I guess there's always that to look forward to.

Don't worry, we got them both ice cream.

Fifty Shades of Crap

You knew it was coming at some point.  I promise this will be the only blog that is political in nature and I promise that it very much applies to parenting.  And there are no pictures because I'm mad.

If you know me, you know that I am no fan of Donald Trump (and, quite honestly, not that excited about Hillary either) but this past week solidified what I have been feeling for months: Donald Trump in NO WAY deserves to be president.  A person elected to the highest office in our country should be respectful.  They should have a sense of service.  They should see value in ALL people and treat them accordingly.  I have many, many other issues with Trump, but this is where it begins for me. Reduced to it's simplest form, I don't want my kids to see a deplorable human being elected president.

However, this past week has brought me to an even more important realization. I saw the memes and tweets asking "If women are so outraged by Trump's dirty talk, then who bought the 80 million copies of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?" I have seen clips of reporters speculating that it was just the actual words used that had women upset.  I heard Trump himself say that his words did not define him, as if they were somehow separate from the disgusting actions they described. That is all crap.

Most women are not offended by language.  Most women don't care that much about "locker room talk," when it is actually talk and not a description of sexual assault.  But all of this comes down to CONSENT.  Please, people!  Even Christian Grey, in arguably the worst book ever written, knew about consent.  That's why we spent 6 chapters agonizing over the weirdest contract on the planet. Don't pretend you didn't read the book!

After a summer of Brock Turner, the long over-due spotlight on rape culture and Donald Trump, I've realized that this may be the number one thing to teach our daughters.  CONSENT.

I've also realized that my own daughters have had very little experience with the idea of consent. They were born in a wealthy, safe, developed country. They are sheltered.  Their father is a model for how to treat women and people in general.  Furthermore, I am a control freak and don't always give them the option to consent to eating food, let alone bigger issues. But trust me, I'm going to start.  I have thought a lot about modeling and addressing consent with children over the last few days.

To my daughters:
1.  I will never force you to kiss anyone, even Grandma, when you say you don't want to.
2.  When I am tickling you and you say "STOP,"  I will stop.
3.  I will fight for you for as long as it takes you to fight for yourself.
4.  As hard as it is being a control-freak mom, I will respect your voice and your choices.
5.  I will never, NEVER tell you that a boy is teasing you because he likes you.  I will help you make him stop.
6.  I will teach you to accept nothing less than kindness and respect.
7.  I will teach you that you always have a choice, that nothing should ever be done TO you and that there are plenty of instances in life when you don't have to be polite.
8.  I will try never to tell you who to vote for, but I will always tell you that we have STANDARDS and we expect people to live up to them.

Especially our President.

That stuff is out there...We might as well talk about it.

When I was twelve I got a copy of Flowers in the Attic for Christmas.  My family has some strange bargain hunting tendencies that often produce holiday gifts.  My aunts bought me books a lot. In the fourth grade I did a book report on a true life story of a granny that killed people and buried them in her flower beds.  It was called Human Harvest.  To repeat:  I got up in front of my fourth grade class and reviewed a book called Human Harvest.   I'm not normal, I just hide it well sometimes.

My intro to the world of delicious, yet terribly-written fiction.

Back to Flowers in the Attic.  That is a smutty, smutty book by twelve-year-old standards, and do you know what my mom did?  She let me read it.  In fact, I never remember a time when my mom said "Don't read that" or "You can't watch that."  I do remember being four and having her finish Cinderella and ask me "Do you think that was smart?  She didn't even know that prince and she married him!"  I also remember reading or seeing many things and then asking my mom about them without thinking twice.

In my opinion this was one of the best parenting choices my mom made.  She let me watch and read whatever I wanted.  We talked about it.  I was free to ask any questions I wanted and I did that often.

I was not introspective enough as a tween or teenager to realize it, but having a mom who was willing to discuss anything and chose not to shield me was empowering.  In many instances when someone suggested some ridiculous piece of advice or activity, I already had the knowledge I needed to make a good decision.  When I wasn't sure, I was comfortable asking my mom.  I read about things that most early middle schoolers did not (Thanks, V.C. Andrews and Cosmo magazine!) and therefore wasn't that shocked or intrigued when it came up in whispered conversation.

In middle school when a girl said "You can use a ziploc bag as a condom."  I said "You most certainly cannot.  You should probably talk to my mom ASAP." (Just to be clear, my mom taught pregnant teens at our high school, so she was a logical choice for the whole "no ziploc bags" discussion.)

Great for food storage.  Not great for prophylactic purposes.

I'm not saying that these days I'm letting our girls watch Scarface.  I'm just saying that at this stage when we are watching a movie or t.v. and something questionable comes up, I ask them how they feel about it.  I tell them how I feel about it.  When they have a question, I answer it simply and truthfully. I try to read them books about their bodies and talk to them about good and bad choices, but they are not overly interested, probably because it seems like no big deal.

If you are a parent (even of young children) and have not recently been in the halls of a high school, I suggest you go.  It is eye opening.  Within five minutes you'll learn bad words you didn't know existed.  You'll also learn a lot stuff you didn't really want to know.  If it's not already happening, and I'm almost positive it already IS, my kids will soon be picking up stuff at school that is not even on my radar.  I cannot shield them from it. I'm not going to make it disappear by not addressing it.  I want my girls to trust me.  I want them to know that it's always ok to ask.

I don't want to leave you with the impression that high school kids are depraved little monsters.  The ones I taught were lovely, I just don't want them to be the main source of info for my own kids.